Bright Blue Eyes
by MeridaPevensie
Summary: A series of unconnected songbased fics exploring Castiel's character through the songs of Bright Eyes and Conor Oberst. Some happys, some sad, some slash and some het. some from Dean's perspective spoiler warnings and rating in each chapter. all K-T
1. First Day of My Life

None of these stories are interconnect at all unless otherwise stated. There only connection is through the music that I based the stories on.

Title: First Day of My Life

Song: First Day of My Life by Conor Oberst (Bright Eyes)

Warnings: Slash

Pairing: Dean/Castiel

Rating: K+ (PG-13)

Spoilers: Episode 5.16 "Dark Side of The Moon"

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, CW and Kripke do. I don't own the Song "First Day of My Life" that is owned by the band Bright Eyes and the singer Conor Oberst.

* * *

When the world didn't end, Castiel would like to have said that he wasn't shocked. He would have liked to have said that he always knew that the Winchester boys would manage. He couldn't say either thing, because as an angel (falling or not) he couldn't bring himself to lie. He never expected things to end well, but somehow they had. It had taken years, 3 to be exact, since Lucifer had risen. But finally, in 2013, He and Gabriel (who wanted things back to normal so he could go back to having fun) and Sam and Dean somehow pulled off what legions of angel's had not been able to do.

Castiel expected now that things were over, he would be called back to Heaven and much to his surprise, he was disappointed by that fact. In the years he had lived on Earth, he had gotten quite used to life as the Winchester's lived it and going back home, was suddenly not as an exciting an idea as it had been 3 years ago.

That was why, when his Father called him home, he said his goodbyes to the solemn faces of Dean and Sam and vanished before Dean could grab hold of him and not let go, like Cas wished he would.

In Heaven his Father looked down upon him and the glory of the lord shown about him, but he was not afraid and his Father was pleased.

"You did what others would have feared to do, my child. You deserve a reward and I will give you anything that you wish." Castiel could have asked to become an Archangel, or even a Principality if he had wished, but that's not what he wanted.

"Father, you know what I wish for."

"Of course I do, I am all knowing. I want to hear you say it Castiel."

"I want to return to Earth, I want to stay with the Winchesters."

"You know I cannot let you live on Earth as an angel?"

"Yes."

"You would give up your Heavenly Grace for love?"

"Yes."

"Then you shall have what you wish." Then he was in heaven no longer. He stood in the empty motel room that he had stood in before he was called to Heaven. He could hear the sounds of the Impala being packed outside the door and the loud sounds of life being lived by the people of the city they were in.

* * *

He opened the door and stepped out in the hot Galveston sunshine. The beach could be seen from the sidewalk outside the front door, people were spreading blankets and towels on the beach, heedless of the fact that the world had nearly ended only days ago. Castiel looked over at the Impala and the first face he saw was the shocked and bewildered face of Dean Winchester. He had never looked more beautiful to Castiel than he did at that moment, even stripped of his ability to see inside Dean's soul.

"Cas!" he called, Sam looked up from putting his duffel in the trunk. "What are you doing back here?" Dean sounded as bewildered as he looked.

"I did not wish to stay in Heaven."

"And they just let you go because you didn't want to stay?" Sam sounded disbelieving.

"My Father wished to give me a reward. I chose what I wanted." Dean's face was puzzled and then understanding and sadness fell over his face.

"No Cas, you can't give up your home for us."

"I already have Dean, there is no going back and this is my home now. It has been for a long time now." Cas walked over to Dean and grasped his hands. "I'm human now. I have no past, I don't know what my future will be, but Dean…." Here Castiel paused "I know that I want to spend it with you." Dean froze for a moment and then, with a relieved cry, he pulled his hand from Cas and gripped the sides of Cas' face to pull him in for a kiss.

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" he asked, in wonder, when he pulled away.

"You didn't have to do anything."

"Are you human now Cas?" Dean asked. Sam seemed to have vanished, leaving Cas and Dean to talk.

"Yes, but we have forever here and in Heaven. There is to be somewhat of a restructuring of the way Heaven is run now." Cas paused. "We will have to take some of this slowly, Dean. I have never been fully human before and I will need you to help me."

"You're home now Cas, Sam and I…we're your family now and we'll always be there to help."

* * *

That night, in their hotel room with Sam down the hall, Cas lay pliant against Dean's side. Remembering the first time they had found themselves in this situation. It had been only days after Joshua's news that God wasn't going to get involved in the Apocalypse. Castiel had been devastated and he'd run from the last bit of family he had. He'd travelled all around the world, looking for something to believe in, because an angel can't survive without something in which he can place his faith.

He had been so lost and confused. His heart was breaking, but finally he stopped his journey and sat down on the ground by a sign post on the interstate and pulled out his phone.

"Cas?" Dean's voice was rough with sleep and so hopeful that it really was Cas on the phone.

"Yes, Dean."

"Where are you?"

"I am not sure, the sign says Oklahoma City 40 miles, I believe I'm to the West of that city."

"That's a few hours from here, just…just stay there Cas. I'll come to you." The sound of Dean dressing could be heard over the phone and then the scratch of a pen on paper, he was leaving a note for Sam, Cas thought.

"You do not have to do that, Dean. I am more than capable of coming to you."

"But would you?" That was a good question, Cas admitted to himself that he might not. Dean sighed deeply. "Just…let me do this for you Cas." Cas made an affirmative noise and then the phone hung up.

Hours passed, the sun was rising in the East when the sound of the Impala finally reached Castiel's ears. The car pulled over and Dean walked over to where Cas was seated on a rock by the road.

"Let's go Cas, Sammy is waiting for us."

"You must be tired Dean."

"Nah, strangely enough I feel like I just woke up, it's probably adrenalin or something." Cas didn't argue, just took Dean's offered hand and stood before getting into the passenger seat of the Impala. Dean seemed uncomfortable for a moment as he started the car, but then he turned off the engine and turned to Cas.

"You know Cas, I'm not good at this chick flick kind of stuff, but I can't leave you like this. I understand that this is the first time you've never had a mission. I know that must feel terrible, but this…this the first day of the rest of your life. Wow that sounded a lot less cheesy in my head." Castiel managed a laugh at that. "Look, maybe I'm supposed to say some cheesy stuff like "I'm glad I didn't die before I met you" or some crap, but that sort of stuff doesn't really apply to us does it?" Cas laughed, a sound he had probably never had cause to make before on Earth. "But the point is, Cas, I think that no matter what happens, no matter where we go from here…as long as you're with me I think we can be happy." Dean gave a frustrated sigh. "I guess what I'm trying to say is…I love you." In what was probably an attempt to avoid an awkward moment, Dean leaned over and kissed Cas soundly. He made a surprised noise when Castiel immediately began to kiss back.

"Thank you Dean, I…I love you too." Castiel said as they pulled back for air. Cas had just found something to believe in and the light that shown out of his eyes took Dean's breath away.

"Cas, I..I know I may not always be the easiest guy to deal with, but this is the end of the world right and I think that we need to take the time to see if we can make this work. I'd rather know we gave it a shot now, rather than sitting around waiting for something better." He swallowed nervously, "I don't think I could find anyone better anyway."

"I know I will never find anyone better" Cas responded and then kissed him again. Dean made an odd whimpering sound that he would later deny and then in the light of the slowly rising mid-western sun they found that the back of the Impala was actually big enough to fit two grown men. They also found out that Oklahoma police officers aren't all as homophobic as people think, but that's a different story.

First Day of My Life – Conor Oberst

_**This is the first day of my life  
Swear I was born right in the doorway  
I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed  
They're spreading blankets on the beach  
Yours is the first face that I saw  
I think I was blind before I met you  
Now I don't know where I am, don't know where I've been  
But I know where I want to go**_

_**And so I thought I'd let you know  
That these things take forever, I especially am slow  
But I realized that I need you  
And I wondered if I could come home**_

_**Remember the time you drove all night  
Just to meet me in the morning  
And I thought it was strange, you said everything changed  
You felt as if you'd just woke up**_

_**And you said, "This is the first day of my life.  
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.  
But, now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you  
And I'd probably be happy."**_

_**So if you wanna be with me  
With these things there's no telling  
We'll just have to wait and see  
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck  
Than waiting to win the lottery**_

_**Besides, maybe this time it's different  
I mean I really think you like me**_


	2. Moab

**None of these stories are interconnect at all unless otherwise stated. There only connection is through the music that I based the stories on. **

**Title: Moab**

**Song: Moab by Conor Oberst – Conor Oberst (album)**

**Warnings: Slash **

**Pairing/Characters: Castiel, Dean/OFC, Sam/OFC, various children of said pairings.**

**Rating: K+ (PG-13)**

**Spoilers: **

**Warnings: Het, unrequited love for poor poor Cas.**

**A/N: Oh dear, I cried while writing this...that's never a good sign. I apologize in advance for possible tears shed.  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, CW and Kripke do. I don't own the Song "Moab" that is owned by the singer Conor Oberst. **

The end of the world had come and gone, impressive as it was to those involved, very few people outside of the supernaturally aware community noticed any change at all. Castiel received his Grace back in full, but was told that with the number of Angels he had managed to piss off that he might want to take an extended vacation on Earth until their Father could sort everything out upstairs and put Zachariah and his supporters in their place. That could take anywhere from a day to decades and Castiel decided to make the most of his time on Earth. During his search for his Father he had not had much time to take in the sights of the world and now he was prepared to do so.

He did not want to impose himself any further on Dean and Sam than he already had during the Apocalypse and though they said they were more than happy to have him with them, he knew that he was a reminder of a time they would rather forget.

And in truth…

Castiel, while a full angel again, was still plagued by the feelings and longings he had gained while he had been half-way fallen and his love for Dean, which would never be returned as anything other than friendship. So instead, he travelled the world and occasionally visited Sam and Dean to check up on them.

Sam returned to school, the lack of supernatural activity and the strange data deletion of FBI files had made it possible for him to return to Law school and graduate. Castiel was there for his graduation, standing next to Dean who was no longer hunting full time. He had settled back in Lawrence, Kansas and had taken over the Auto shop his father used to work at. He was happier on the day Sam graduated from Law school than Cas had ever seen him, even at the end of the Apocalypse.

Cas was still visiting in corporeal form when Sam married. He had been invited to the wedding, by phone since he had no address. Sarah Weston was aware of the supernatural world and more importantly she was aware of Sam's part in the Apocalypse, he didn't have to lie to her and that was the happiest part for both Sam and Dean. When Sarah met Castiel she had smiled at him gently and asked him to dance. As they glided along the floor she spoke to him.

"I never thought I'd be able to say I danced with an honest to goodness angel at my wedding."

"The Winchesters have a habit of making impossible things happen." Cas had said.

"I'm seeing that more and more each day. Listen" she said "I see how you look at Dean. Why don't you just say something?"

"Dean would not be interested and I would rather have him as a friend than not at all." It had never occurred to Cas to lie about his feelings, angels didn't do things like that. She had smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek in apology when her mother had come to sweep her away to open gifts.

A year passed. Sam had his first child, a girl they named Cassandra. When Sam and Sarah saw him watching the baby with wonder in his eyes, they knew he would watch over her for the rest of his days. He would watch over every Winchester for the rest of his days, but Sam didn't realize that at the time.

Dean married, a woman named Jenna Martin. Her parent's had been hunters, who had died when she was in college. She had no interest in hunting and Dean was happy with that for once, after the Apocalypse he was unneeded as a hunter and he finally felt at ease living in one place.

Castiel was at the wedding, he sat beside Sarah and when he felt her hand gripping his during the service it eased the vice grip on his heart just a little, enough so he could breath and congratulate Dean when the reception started. All Dean could talk about was how happy he was, Cas had smiled a real smile because as much as it hurt him he wanted Dean to be happy.

Sam had talked to him before he left.

"He doesn't mean to hurt you, Cas. He just doesn't know how you feel."

"He was never meant too."

"We aren't going to see you around much anymore are we." It wasn't a real question, but Castiel answered anyway.

"No, I…can't live on borrowed happiness Sam. And it isn't fair of me to ask for you or Dean to share."

"You're family, Cas. Don't disappear completely."

"How could I, it would disappoint Cassandra." Sam had laughed at that.

"Where are you going to go now?"

"Perhaps Mexico, I've not been there yet." Sam had nodded at that and made sure Cas had their cell phone numbers, because, angel or not, cell phones were a hard habit to break.

* * *

Cas slid away to live the life of the tired, but not quite broken while Dean made his place in a home with a wife and eventually children.

* * *

Castiel eventually came to realize why the Winchester's had stayed on the road so often. There was nothing that couldn't be made better by travel. All his pain was swept away as he moved from one place to another. One day, several years after Dean had married, Cas bought a classic car and got it running the way Dean had taught him during lulls in the Apocalypse when they had stayed at Bobby's junkyard.

The feel of the road disappearing under the wheels gave a physical feeling to the emotional feeling of leaving his pain behind. He visited Sam's house in the car, Dean was there for Thanksgiving and had made all the right noises of appreciation for the car and had told him he was glad to see him, but went back to his wife and two children soon enough and left Castiel to sit in the kitchen with Sarah. Cassandra was coloring at the table and not quite paying attention to the adult's conversation.

"You should move on Cas, I see that pain on your face every time you see him and it hurts me too."

"I'm sorry, Sarah. I don't mean to hurt you, but we…angel's that is, don't love like humans do. It's why we don't fall in love with humans, we love eternally and it can't be pushed aside. I'll love him till the end of time and that means I have to let him live his life, because I see him with Jenna and John and Mary and I see he's happy. That's all I can have, so it's all I'll wish for."

"Oh, Cas" Sarah had said in a sad voice and she caressed his face with her hand, tears shimmering in her eyes.

"Momma, Uncle Cas, why are you crying?" Cassandra asked.

"No reason, Cassie, would you like a snack?" Castiel swung Cassandra up into his lap, making her giggle, while Sarah wiped her face and found her daughter a snack in the refrigerator.

* * *

The Earth won't last forever, neither will time truthfully, but it seems as if both are infinite when you are living the half-life of someone who can never have what they really want. Cas continued his visits to Sam and Sarah and even Dean on occasion, though his visits to Dean were often of the incorporeal sort that didn't require speaking to him. He just like to keep an eye on them all, they were his family.

He, of course, noticed the aging that occurred on the faces of those who he watched over. Cassandra grew up, dated boys went to college, dated girls and came out to her parent's. She'd been scared to come out to her Uncle Cas, because he was an angel after all and wasn't that forbidden she had said.

Castiel had put an arm around his niece's shoulder, the 21 year old relaxed against him and he told her that his Father would never hate any form of love and anyone who told her differently would answer to him. She had looked at him with solemn eyes and asked him why he had never told Uncle Dean how he felt if that was true.

"That…is different." He'd said.

"Why?"

"You're uncle has never had any interest in men and while I'm on Earth, I am stuck in this form. I wanted to remain his friend."

"But you barely speak to him now, you just watch him and don't pretend it doesn't hurt. Why do you keep coming back to us if it hurts you so much?"

"Because you are family and even when family hurts you, you still love them and protect them."

"So, what, you're the Winchester guardian angel or something?" She'd said, incredulously. His heart had tightened at that term.

"Something like that, I suppose."

* * *

He kept to the road, John and Mary grew up, Cassandra married her girlfriend, Amanda Hitchins. and adopted children. Sam, Dean, and their wives continued to age.

He kept to road, because if he stopped the pain would catch up, but as long as we kept moving the the feelings would be washed away by the blacktop, become crushed beneath the wheels and he could be there for his family.

Jenna was the first to go, stomach cancer as irony would have it. Cas remember the day Zachariah had tried to use it to coerce a "yes" out of Dean. He stay away when it happened, though Dean called out for him to heal her. It was her time and nothing Castiel could do would stop that.

Sam had gone next, old age had taken him quietly in his sleep. Sarah had been sad, but knew that one day she would see him again.

Sarah had gone out in a blaze of glory, the 80 some-odd year old woman had pushed her grandson, Steven, out of the way of a speeding car in front of Cassandra's Boston home. The car had knocked her on the ground and she never came out of the coma. Castiel had taken her death the hardest, standing by her bedside for hours while her heartbeat slowly dwindled to nothing. He made sure that the driver was found and held to justice.

Dean, ever the most stubborn of any of the Winchesters, was last to die. At 94 years old he finally gave up the ghost. Standing next to his body he waited for a reaper to come for him, finally ready to go to see his wife again. Instead of a reaper, he was met with bright blue eyes that pierced him.

"You playing reaper now, Cas?"

"No, I merely asked that I be allowed to escort you. I was allowed that."

"I haven't seen you in a while Cas."

"I…I have been busy."

"Sure you have, look I'm sorry for the way I treated you for so many years. I should have been your friend and Sam and Sarah and Cassie, they were better family than I was."

"But you were still family." Cas said, as if that negated everything, which in the Winchester family it pretty much did. Dean smiled at him. "Let's go, Jenna is waiting for you."

The Winchesters didn't spend their lives decking themselves out in style, but in the end their lives were beautiful and happy and really, that's all Castiel could wish for.

* * *

He may have not been what Dean had needed, but he was what their family needed. Even after he returned to Heaven full time, he still remained the Guardian Angel of the Winchester family. No reaper ever visited them, they all had an angel escort which couldn't be said for many.

* * *

When Cassandra died, Castiel escorted her to the pearly gates and she hugged him close.

"Have you ever told him?" She asked.

"It's Heaven , there's no need. I'm sure he already knows."

"Have you moved on?"

"Never will, but…family makes it easier."

* * *

_**Moab – Conor Oberst – Conor Oberst (Album)**_

_**I used up your compassion  
So I've come to make a trade  
You can hate me but just love me in return  
And if I know where to find you  
I'll stay out of your way  
I won't come beg to borrow all the happiness you earned**_

_**I'll just slide back down to the bottom  
While you make your place in the hills**_

_**There's nothing that the road cannot heal  
There's nothing that the road cannot heal  
Washed under the blacktop  
Gone beneath my wheels  
There's nothing that the road cannot heal**_

_**They say the sun won't burn forever  
But that's a science too exact  
I can prove it, watch we're crossing the state line  
See those headlights coming towards us  
That's someone going back  
To a town they said they'd never, yeah  
They swore it on their lives**_

_**But you can't break out of a circle  
That you never knew you were in**_

_**There's nothing that the road cannot heal  
There's nothing that the road cannot heal  
Washed under the blacktop  
Gone beneath my wheels  
There's nothing that the road cannot heal**_

_**Someone will spend their precious time  
Trying to decorate their lives  
Taking measurements for some new look they want  
So from 1 to 10, 10's exactly what I am  
0 being everything I'm not**_

_**Tell me what you like  
Is it less than 5  
Is it less than 5**_

_**There's nothing that the road cannot heal  
There's nothing that the road cannot heal  
When I make it to Moab  
I'll get my canteen filled  
There's nothing that the road cannot heal  
Washed under the blacktop  
Gone beneath my wheels  
There's nothing that the road cannot heal**_


	3. Air Mattress

**A/N: As an apology for the tears that my last installment brought about, I decided to write a completely fluffy piece for my readers. This made me giggle and "AWWW!" while writing it!**

**None of these stories are interconnected at all unless otherwise stated. There only connection is through the music that I based the stories on. **

**Title: Air Mattress**

**Song: Air Mattress by Taylor Hollingsworth and Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band – Outer South (album)**

**Warnings: Slash **

**Pairing/Characters: Castiel/Dean, Sam, Bobby **

**Rating: K+ (PG-13)**

**Spoilers: none at all, set anytime during Season 5, but there's no mention of plot.**

**Warnings: Leaky Air mattresses play a key part… so if those freak you out…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, CW and Kripke do. I don't own the Song "Air Mattress" that is owned by the Mystic Valley Band and Conor Oberst.**

**

* * *

  
**

At some point, Dean wasn't exactly sure when, Cas had begun to need sleep to replenish both his angelic and human energy and he very often stayed with the boys at whatever hotel they were at. Usually they slept in watch shifts these days anyway, so having two beds wasn't a problem.

When they got to Bobby's place after a particularly long hunt, Castiel was sleeping in the backseat of the Impala, slumped over against the window. Dean thought to himself that Cas was going to have a serious case of window face and reminded himself to taunt him about it once he was fully awake. Dean shook Cas awake.

"Hmm?" Cas hummed a questioning tone at Dean with such a cute, sleepy look on his face that Dean suddenly wasn't sure he would be able to mock him.

"We're at Bobby's, you should come inside." He helped Cas out of the car and guided the sleepy angel into the living room, dodging the questioning gaze of Bobby for the moment. Sam gathered their duffel bags from the trunk of the Impala and followed him in. Bobby pinned him with a look that could have dragged answers out of Lucifer himself.

"What's with the angel?" He asked, shortly.

"Nothing, he just…needs to sleep now." Sam responded.

"That's nothin', he's an angel boy, that's not nothin'" Bobby wheeled himself away muttering "Idjits, 'nothin'' my ass." Sam shrugged at the look Dean gave him and went to put the duffel bags in the two spare rooms Bobby had upstairs. Moments later he was coming back down stairs with what Dean referred to as Sam's "Something is odd and I need to find out why" bitchface, very few people could tell the difference between it and Sam's "Dean has played a prank on me, but I'm not sure what" bitchface, but Dean could.

"Bobby?" Sam called out.

"What!?" Bobby's voice called from the kitchen.

"Any particular reason why the mattress in Dean's room missing?" Dean's did a double take, eyes widening. Bobby rolled out the kitchen.

"First of all, it isn't Dean's room. It's a guest room." No one brought up the fact that he never had any other guests other than Sam and Dean, so who else would the rooms belong to. "And there was a…incident." Bobby finished, referring to the mattress.

"What kind of incident?!" Dean asked hysterically "Why is my mattress gone."

"It's not gone, it's in the back yard." Dean rushed out the back door and then rushed right back in.

"Why does it look like it was part of a bonfire?"

"I don't know, maybe because it was ya' idjit!" Bobby said.

"What!" Dean and Sam said simultaneously, Cas was ignoring the situation and reading a book studiously on Bobby's couch.

"There was a curse box that I found, Dean's room has wards on it and I needed to know what was in it. I opened the box and the curse sort of attached itself to Dean's bed."

"What sort of curse?" Dean asked.

"If I wanted you to know I would have told ya' already, idjit" Bobby rolled away, obviously pissed, because he didn't usually call them 'idjits' quite that often.

"But…where am I supposed to sleep!" Dean asked in an annoying whine.

"For that matter, where is Cas going to sleep." Sam said and Cas looked up, finally interested in the situation as it pertained to him.

"Well not my couch!" Bobby shouted "I actually keep normal hours and I want to be able to work in there in the morning." He rolled back to where he could see them through the kitchen door. "I had a couple of air mattresses, but I tried airing up one and it had a big leak. The other should be fine though."

"So that solves the problem for one person." Sam said.

"Ah, Cas can share with me, it won't be a big deal" Dean said.

"You okay with that Cas?" Sam asked.

"Yes, Sam that will be fine." All of them were tired from the hunt and subsequent long drive and so they headed off to their rooms. An air pump and boxed up air mattress were in Dean's room and Dean quickly aired it up and put blankets on the bed from the hall linen closet.

"Okay, Cas, I think this'll be fine. It's a Queen size mattress, we should fit fine." Sam walked into the room and looked at the mattress.

"You guys going to be good?" he asked.

"Yeah sure Sam, me 'n Cas are friends and friends share beds sometimes. It's no big deal."

"Yeah, okay, 'night Dean, Cas."

"Goodnight, Sam."

"'night, bro."

Dean closed the door and both he and Cas stripped down to t-shirts and boxers before crawling under the covers and falling asleep.

* * *

A few hours later, Dean woke to the feeling of Cas pressed tightly against him, their chests meeting. He could feel Castiel's heart beat against him and he suddenly wasn't so sleepy anymore.

"Hey Cas" he whispered hoarsely.

"Mmm, wha' Dean" he slurred sleepily and shifted so that Dean had an even bigger armful of sleepy, tousled angel. As Cas woke up further he realized the position they were in and blushed, which Dean though was adorable. "What happened?"

"Looks like the mattress had a slow leak after all, we just sort of rolled to the middle."

"that's not a problem is it?"

"Nope, I was kind of hoping you weren't tired anymore." Dean grinned lasciviously at Cas who blushed again.

"No, Dean, I'm fully awake."

"Good" Dean rolled over and pinned the angel to the slightly flat mattress, kissing him fiercely.

* * *

The next morning they left the room with cheerier smiles than Sam could consider healthy for two grown men who'd had to share an air mattress the night before. He glanced into the room, noting that his brother's messiness had migrated to his room where the blankets were tangled and shoved mostly off the bed. The mattress looked decidedly un-airy.

"That mattress looks pretty flat, you guys must not have slept well."

"Nah," Dean said "Slept great, right Cas?" he looked at the angel, so did Sam. Cas looked a little flushed, Sam thought.

"Yes, we had a pleasant night." Cas walked down the hallway, saying something about helping Bobby with breakfast. Dean followed him. Sam just shrugged at the strange attitudes his brother and Cas were showing and went into the bathroom for a shower.

* * *

Dean walked up behind Cas, who was intently watching a skillet of bacon for Bobby who had just wheeled himself out of the room.

"Last night was nice" he breathed into Cas' ear. Cas jumped and then smiled.

"Yes, it was."

"I didn't dream at all." Dean kissed Cas on the ear "What's to dream about when you you've got a sexy angel in your bed already." Cas blushed and was about to respond when Bobby called out.

* * *

"Dean, you'd better not be distracting him and making him burn the bacon." Dean chuckled and moved away from Cas' back.

Bobby and Sam came in and ate breakfast once the bacon was done.

"I called about getting a new mattress, it'll take a few days to get it shipped here. I hope you two can make do with the air mattress till then." Bobby said as he was cleaning the last of his breakfast from his plate. Sam was about to say something about the mattress having a leak, but Cas beat him to the punch.

"Yes, Bobby, I'm sure we'll be fine."

Sam shrugged, if they wanted to sleep on a flat air mattress together, who was he to interfere?

* * *

_**I want to sleep on the air mattress with you  
And let the air leak out, what won't I do?  
And as we sleep our bodies slowly meet  
I can feel it when your heart beats  
I do**_

_**The air mattress with you  
(Can I sleep on)  
The air mattress with you  
**_

_**It's under covers where it all begins  
And we pretend that we are just friends  
But when the others fall asleep, it ends  
We become lovers once again  
We do**_

_**The air mattress with you  
(Can I sleep on)  
The air mattress with you  
(Can I sleep on)  
The air mattress with you  
(Can I sleep on)  
The air mattress with you**_

_**My dreams, they have a holiday  
My limbs, they twist the night away  
And even if I stay away  
I still get rest for hours  
I still get rest for hours  
I still get rest for hours**_

_**And even if there was a king-size bed  
Where I can stretch my legs and lie my head  
All by myself, in the darkest room  
Just know, that no matter what the options are  
I choose . . .**_

_**The air mattress with you  
(Can I sleep on)  
The air mattress with you  
(Can I sleep on)  
The air mattress with you  
(Can I sleep on)  
The air mattress with you**_


	4. Another Travelin' Song

A/N: Not really fluffy, not really sad, sort of optimistic?

**None of these stories are interconnected at all unless otherwise stated. There only connection is through the music that I based the stories on. **

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* * *

  
**

**Title: Another Travelin' Song**

**Song: Another Travelin' Song – Conor Oberst (Bright Eyes – I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning (album)**

**Pairing/Characters: Castiel, Dean, Gabriel, Sam**

**Rating: T (PG-13) for Dean, Castiel and Gabriel's language**

**Spoilers: a bit for 5.16 (What can I say, it was an awesome episode.)**

**Warnings: Bad language, pre-slash**

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* * *

  
**

**A/N: Never been to Grand Central Station, my description is based on an Ani Difranco song, so I might be off.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, CW and Kripke do. I don't own the Song "Another Travelin' Song" that is owned by Conor Oberst.**

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* * *

  
**

When Cas left that hotel room he had no intention of ever coming back, but for some reason he couldn't bring himself to throw out the cellphone that he had bought, in a time that seemed be an eternity ago. It was his last connection to the Winchesters and given that he was friends with one and in love with the other, getting rid of it seemed like a bad omen of things to come.

So instead he turned off the ringer and put it in the bottom of his pocket, seconds later the phone was buzzing angrily at him and he knew it was Dean calling to tell him to "get his fluffy angelic ass back to the motel right now!" or something along those lines, so he didn't even bother getting the phone out.

He travelled, bouncing in and out of different countries, cities and villages. He tried to puzzle out why his Father would choose now to forsake the creation that he had loved for centuries, even as they caused war between his first created. Days passed and he passed through so many cities, as the dawn was breaking over them, as the noon sun beat down on them and as the sun sank below their skylines. He passed along the billion highways of the United States, the dirt roads of African villages, the cobbled streets of ancient European cities, but he could find no reason why his Father should choose now to turn his back. Surely these people were not perfect, but they were no worse than they had ever been since their creation.

Castiel knew despair like he had never felt before and he wished he could pretend he had not done anything wrong, but if he hadn't sinned then why did his Father allow him to be hunted by his brother's? But if he had sinned then why would his Father restore him after Raphael struck him down? All the questions and the loss of faith exhausted Cas and he found himself in a motel in the outer edge of Balitmore, Maryland, using one of the credit cards Dean had given him to get a room. And for the first time since he had walked the Earth, Castiel slept.

And for the first time he dreamt. In the dream he stood in the majestic foyer of the Grand Central Station, the old wooden benches gleaming and the tall windows letting shafts of light fall onto the polished floors. The crowd of people in the building pushed him inexorably toward the platform, despite his attempts to leave. Out on the platform, people were boarding trains. The conductor stood near him and Castiel stopped to talk to him.

"Where are these people going?"

"Heaven, my boy." He responded in a British accent. "This is the Rapture, didn't you know? Last ticket off this planet to paradise. That's where you belong too, leave with us." Castiel contemplated that seriously.

"No" he finally said.

"No? Things are only going to get worse from here on in. This is your last chance, final call and all that."

"No, I have…things to attend to."

"Suit yourself." The conductor boarded the train and with a loud whistle and a belch of coal stained smoke, the trains pulled out of the station.

Castiel awoke, sweating and disoriented from the dream. He left the room in a rustle of feathers, tired of that place.

* * *

Castiel was standing on the shores of the Pacific ocean, the San Diego marina behind him, filled with battleships, sailing ships and other testaments to humanity's desire to come close to walking on water. His cell phone rang, he didn't recognize the number, but answered anyway. He thought it would be Dean or Sam calling from a payphone, he could talk to them now.

Only it wasn't Sam or Dean.

"Hey, little brother." The voice of Gabriel carried through the phone lines had a certain tinny quality to it and Castiel had the passing thought that if God's messenger had been sending messages over phones, people would have been less likely to trust him.

"What do you want Gabriel?" Castiel asked in annoyance.

"You're a hard guy to find, you know. I had to get this number from Sam, actually."

"What did you do to them Gabriel?!" Castiel shouted in outrage.

"Nothing, look, I may not be on your side, but I'm not on Zach's side either. I'm neutral remember and…you're family. Sam and his bastard brother were worried so I decided to call." Gabriel sounded almost apologetic in that little speech.

"Why are you calling?"

"Can't I just call to check up on my little bro?" The silence from Cas must have answered that question. "Fine, maybe I can't. I called to give you a message. Stop being a prick."

"What?!" Cas responded in outrage, or at least as close to outrage as he was likely to get.

"You heard me, I get that what Joshua told the Winchesters must be hard for you to stomach, but this is as hard for them as it is for you and you need to take care of them so they can take care of you."

"They will be fine on their own." Cas responded.

"Sammy might, key-word being MIGHT, be able to take care of himself, but Dean can't and you sure as shit can't. Dean needs you, you need Dean and Sam needs you both, honestly. So get the fuck back here and do what you rebelled against Heaven to do." Gabriel paused in his tirade and Castiel broke in.

"Don't you get it, things can never be the same. The past means nothing, everything I tried to do is worthless and nothing I can do in the future will change anything. All I have is today."

"Yeah, so? The same applies to Dean and Sam don't you think? You left Heaven behind to take care of these two, are you really going to give up so easily little brother? That doesn't seem like the angel I once knew." Castiel huffed in annoyance.

"I'll come back when I want to, not when you order me to. I'm not good at following orders, as you've seen."

"Fine, be that way. I took time out of my busy schedule of smiting evil doers and left a piece of ridiculously good cake in a diner when Sam summoned me. I don't need this crap from you." Before Castiel could say another word, the line was dead.

* * *

Castiel let his mind wander as he sat at the top of a ski slope in Flagstaff, Arizona. The sound of laughter and fun filled the air, students, children, and adults playing in the snow. This was a beautiful would he thought and maybe, just maybe they could do something to save it. But then the logical side of his mind weighed in its opinion.

There's three of us against the legions of Heaven and Hell. Two vessels who wouldn't fulfill their job as vessels and one renegade angel, who was quickly losing his grace.

Still, wouldn't it be better to go down swinging instead of going down like a frightened dog?

Or was it too late to sneak back to Heaven like a beaten cur and accept his punishment?

No?! He refused to do that, he had made his decision.

He had known what his future was when he rebelled, but for some reason he still wasn't prepared.

* * *

In yet another motel, in the, ironically named, town of Hell, Wisconsin, Cas sat at the room's desk; a sheet of paper and a pen in front of him. The lamp on the desk was the only source of light in the room, outside was pitch black night. He had read once that writing a letter to the person you were angry at could help you work through your problems and learn to move on, but really, how did one address the beginning of a letter to God?

Dear Father?

Dear God?

Dear Son of a Bitch?

Dear Dead Beat Dad?

The sunlight crept through the window, casting light over the still blank sheet of paper and glinted off the side of the, now empty, bottle of Jack Daniels. Castiel crumpled the paper up and threw it in the wastebasket. The sun burned his eyes, as if scolding him for not going to bed in the first place. He collapsed into the motel bed and slept once more.

The dreams came again.

* * *

He dreamt of the coming of eternal night to Earth. The Sun gone, the moon destroyed, the stars fallen to Earth, scorching the ground.

He dreamed of a dead world, filled with deserts filled with the corpses of those killed by Michael and Lucifer's sibling rivalry.

He dreamed of the evil's of man, the children with no home, no family. Forced to make a living however they could. Cas had seen children like the ones in his dreams during his travels, any child in need to crossed paths with Castiel found him or herself with more than enough money in their pocket to eat well for a month or more.

He dreamt of human wars that had destroyed cities, sunk ships, killed thousands, but still seemed less heinous that the atrocities that Heaven wanted to visit on these creations of God.

The blaring of a clock radio woke him from his dreams. The sound of a girl singing about love filled the room as Castiel took flight once more.

* * *

He found Dean and Sam in another motel room, hundreds of miles from the one where they had been shot. Dean stood suddenly at his entrance.

"Dammit Cas, don't you ever knock!" and suddenly it was like he'd never left, except for the grateful gleam that was in Dean and Sam's eyes that he had come back, hadn't deserted them like so many before. The gratitude in Dean's face was enough to justify coming back.

Because sometimes you just had to face your fears, even if those fears are about the honest to goodness end of the world and the apparent desertion of God from his creations; sometimes cowering like a dog in front of your master, hoping for a treat, was just not acceptable.

The Winchesters and, by association, Castiel would kick and scream till the end. They weren't the type to kneel and plead and beg for forgiveness. Even if they had given up, they weren't going to let on to that fact to anyone.

And sometimes, the look of hope and gratitude you inspire in the person you love, just by being there, is enough to justify any sacrifice.

* * *

_**Another Travelin' Song – Bright Eyes – I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning**_

_**Well I'm changing all my strings  
I'm gonna write another traveling song  
About all the billion highways and the cities at the break of dawn  
Well I guess the best that I can do now is pretend that I've done nothing wrong  
And to dream about a train that's gonna take me back where I belong**_

_**Well now the ocean speaks and spits and I can hear it from the interstate  
And I'm screaming at my brother on a cell phone, he's far away  
I'm saying nothing in the past or future ever will feel like today  
Until we're parking in an alley  
Just hoping that our shit is safe**_

_**So I go back and forth forever  
All my thoughts they come in pairs  
Oh I will, I won't, I doubt I don't  
I'm not surprised but I never feel quite prepared**_

_**Now I'm hunched over a typewriter  
I guess you call that painting in a cave  
And there's a word I can't remember  
And a feeling I cannot escape  
And now my ashtray's overflowing  
I'm still staring at a clean white page  
Oh and morning's at my window  
She is sending me to bed again**_

_**Well I dream of dark on the horizon  
I dream a desert where the dead lay down  
I dream a prostituted child touching an old man in a fast food crowd  
Oh yeah, I dreamt a ship was sinking  
There was people screaming all around  
And I awoke to my alarm clock  
It was a pop song, it was playing loud**_

_**So I will find my fears and face them  
Or I will cower like a dog  
I will kick and scream or kneel and plead  
I'll fight like hell to hide that I've given up**_


	5. We Are Nowhere And It's Now

**Title: We Are Nowhere And It's Now**

**Song: We Are Nowhere And It's Now by Bright Eyes – I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning (album)**

**Warnings: Drinking, hinted at slash, but easily played off as friendship with the right goggles. **

**Pairing/Characters: Castiel, Dean (Castiel/Dean if you are wearing slash goggles)**

**Rating: Pg-13**

**Spoilers: Everything through the end of season 5. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, CW and Kripke do. I don't own the Song "We Are Nowhere And It's Now" it is owned by Bright Eyes and Conor Oberst. **

**A/N: I have to say that I don't think there is any other Bright Eyes song that fits this show and its characters more than this one. I'd delve into that deeper, but I might bore you. I may write a lyrics analysis as I think it applies to the show and post it on my FictionPress account though.**

**A/N 2: Okay, this story takes place after an alternate ending to the series. Sam is trapped Hell, Bobby is dead and Castiel was brought back, but he is still human. Dean doesn't stay with Lisa.**

**Apology to zmwester…this contains drunk!Cas like I keep saying I will write, but it turned into really depressing drunk!Cas instead of silly drunk!Cas. Conor's lyrics don't lend themselves well to silly…maybe next time.**

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He hated hated hated the taste of wine, but here he sat, drinking it from the bottle in a motel room he had paid for with a credit card that he had taken from Dean's wallet three nights before. In its place he had left his cellphone and a scrap of paper that only said "I'm sorry". That night he had used the card to buy a bus ticket away from Dean, it didn't matter where it took him, just so long as he could get away from his guilt.

He hadn't been of any use. The last few family members that Dean had were now dead and Castiel felt like such a failure. Why had he been brought back as this useless human thing who couldn't give Dean back his family? Why hadn't God brought back Bobby, or even Sam. He could do it, He was all-powerful, but instead he resurrects a fallen angel. Was this his punishment?

Castiel took another pull on the wine bottle and emptied it. The glass bottle joined several others on the floor and he fell back onto the bed. Exhaustion blinded him and pulling him into sleep.

* * *

"Jesus loves you!" The woman was standing on the sidewalk outside of the bar when Castiel left, buzzed, but not drunk, a strange occurrence these days to be sure. He had noticed her here before, trying to convert and save people from the dangers of alcohol.

"No he doesn't." He told her.

"Of course he does, God loves all his creations."

"He stopped loving me long ago." He paused and thought "Maybe there is no God, funny for me to say that really. Everything is relative; there is no truth or force of pure good in this world, not anymore."

"If you think there is no truth, then how can you be sure what you are saying is truth?" she questioned with a laugh.

"Good question" instead of continuing to talk to her Castiel walked back down the street to his motel. On the way he passed a Synagogue and a Catholic church, both were quiet and dark at this hour. Castiel could remember a time, during the Apocalypse, when he would have marveled at these buildings and gone inside to commune with God. Now they left nothing but an ache in his chest.

* * *

The one constant that he could rely on these days was that if he went to bed sober he would dream and the dreams terrified him.

In the dreams he was standing at the base of his father's throne. The blinding light of His glory filled the heavens and the hosts of his brothers and sisters filled the space around him. His father asked him "Why are you wasting the gift I gave you?"

He woke, sweating and angry, every night. He couldn't imagine what 'gift' God was referring to. All he wanted was salvation, but that wouldn't come. So he made a point of drinking more and sleeping less. Instead he would go out the edge of town and lay on the ground staring at the stars. In some magazine, he had read that many of the stars that we could see had already burned themselves out, all we could see was their light that was still travelling to us. All that was left was the idea of a star. Maybe that was God, he had existed once, but now he was dead, but the idea of him lived on. Maybe he hadn't deserted them on purpose.

* * *

When he got tired of one town he would buy a bus ticket to another, just choosing whatever bus was leaving soon. He didn't care where he went, he just wanted to leave the past behind and find the future. Each town he found felt like the future for a while, but then he would become a regular and the community would try to drag him in and he couldn't allow that. He was no one, he had no place to call home and he had no family and he liked it that way, or at least he told himself that he did.__

__Sometimes he wondered where Dean was, sometimes he dreamed of him.

On the Greyhound one night he jerked awake, from yet another dream of where Dean could be at this moment. The woman who sat next to him watched him with a sad expression.

"Who's Dean?"

"What?" he asked, his voice rough from sleep.

"You were calling out his name in your sleep. He sounded like he is important to you." Castiel looked out the window, the moon illuminated the ground as they flew down the interstate.

"He was."

"What happened?"

"I failed him, let him down in the worst way." It still hurt to remember the look of absolute loss and fright that overlaid the painful wounds on Dean's normally stoic face.

"How long has it been since you saw him?" That question brought a halt to Castiel's memories. He had to think back, he had no idea how long it had been.

"What's today's date?" She looked amused at that question.

"It's just after midnight on August 23rd, 2010."

"Not very long then, a few months, it just feels like a lifetime."

"I know you probably don't want to take advice from a complete stranger, but maybe you should find him. You probably hate yourself more than anyone else does at this point. That's how it usually goes in my experience."

"Maybe you're right, but until I can forgive myself I can't go back to him and I'll never forgive myself."

"Hmm…" She contemplated that. "I'm Katelyn, by the way."

"I'm Cast-…uh, Cas."

"Nice to meet you Cas. Where are you headed?"

"Nowhere" That seemed to satisfy her and they settled back into silence.

* * *

__He got off at the same stop as Katelyn for no other reason than not wanted to lose sight of a friendly face, she was a college student returning to school from a trip to visit her family. He found himself sleeping on the couch in her apartment, when he wasn't out drinking that is. She was uncommonly understanding and never judgmental, even when he stumbled it at 4 in the morning, waking her from her sleep with the sound of puking.

He wondered if this was what it was like to have a friend.

She never asked him questions about his past, even when he was sleeping strangely. Waking up screaming from his memories of dragging Dean out of Hell, memories of watching Lucifer beat Dean, memories of killing his own brothers and sisters. He wasn't sure how humans could do it, all of these side effects of humanity that he had never noticed were wearing him down. The dreams kept him awake when he wasn't drinking._**  
**_

* * *

Katelyn had school and work and Castiel had neither. He found himself with nothing to do and too much time to do it in. He wondered the town and found places where he became a regular. For once he didn't leave town the moment he became a regular costumer. In the evenings he would wonder through the city, unable to settle down, until he reached his favorite bar.

The waitress there knew his name and kept the drinks coming, even as she watched him with worried looks the whole time. She knew he wouldn't talk about his problems, so she would turn on the classic rock in the jukebox, because she knew he liked it, and he would hum along with her to the music. He would occasionally smile at her, especially when a particular song reminded him of Dean.

* * *

__Katelyn came after work was over most days and sat next to him at the bar.

"This stuff will kill you, y'know." She would say every day and every day Castiel would barely respond. On this day she kept talking though.

"My mom always used to tell me that feeling sorry for myself never solved anything. She's right of course. If all you can feel is self-pity then it just proves you are too shallow to think of anyone else's emotions." She turned on her bar stool and stared at Castiel until he was forced to meet her gaze. "How do you think Dean feels, not know where you are, not knowing if you are alive or dead. I know you never talk about what you did to let him down, but how could it be worse than him being all alone wondering if you are some John Doe on a slab at a morgue?"

His eyes widened. He had never thought about it like that. Was he hurting Dean more by running away?

"Oh, I see you hadn't thought of that. Did you for just forget that he is a person too, a person who probably cares about you a lot more than you think he does. I can see how you feel about him and with that much devotion being shown to him, how could he not return it?"She paused in her speech and rifled through her purse, pulling out a decorative bag from a jewelry store. "It's not my place to tell you what do…"

"Since when have you let that stop you?" he asked dryly and she snorted laughter at that.

"Exactly, but I can't make you find him. I want to give you something to make you remember to think about him too, not just yourself." She unwrapped a small silver wreath pin, it was a simple thing, but the centerpiece gave Castiel a shock. It showed an Angel, wings outstretched.

"I don't know why I picked it, but it just seemed right. My family has this tradition, when someone needs good luck we buy them a piece of jewelry and our wishes for their happiness go with it. This will bring you love and happiness, at least that's what I want it to do." She grinned and pinned it on his jacket. "I have to go to the library and study. I'll see you later?"

"Maybe" he had never made any promises that he wouldn't leave without warning and she knew that one day he might not be there when she got home.

She left and he took the pin off, staring at it with curious eyes. It didn't feel any different from a normal piece of jewelry, but for some reason he thought it might bring him good luck. He pinned it back on and turned back to his drink, suddenly not feeling like drinking that much anymore, self-pity hadn't done him any good so far. The door of the bar opened behind him and a man walked up to the bar, Cas couldn't see him clearly from where he was sitting, but he handed over a piece of paper to the bartender and a voice he hadn't thought he would ever hear again spoke.

"Hey, I know this is a weird question, but I've been looking for a friend of mine in every town I stop in. Have you seen him? Maybe he passed through?" The bartender laughed.

"Passed through? No, he's a regular. He comes in almost every night, that's him over there." The bartender pointed toward Castiel and Cas looked over just as Dean turned toward him.

* * *

Many hours and tearful apologies later they were in Dean's hotel room, Castiel was leaning back against the headboard of the bed with the pin in his hands. Dean came out of the bathroom, freshly showered and lay down next to him.

"What's that?" he asked curiously.

"A good luck charm."

"Really?"

"Maybe, I'll keep it just in case."

=====================================================================================_** If you hate the taste of wine  
Why do you drink it till you're blind?**_

_**And if you swear that there's no truth and who cares  
How come you say it like you're right?**_

_**Why are you scared to dream of God  
When it's salvation that you want?  
You see stars that clear have been dead for years  
But the idea just lives on...**_

_**In our wheels that roll around  
As we move over the ground  
And all day it seems we've been in between  
A past and future town**_

_**We are nowhere and it's now  
We are nowhere and it's now **_

_**And like a ten minute dream in the passenger's seat  
While the world was flying by  
I haven't been gone very long  
But it feels like a lifetime**_

_**I've been sleeping so strange at night  
Side effects they don't advertise  
I've been sleeping so strange  
With a head full of pesticide**_

_**I've got no plans and too much time  
I feel too restless to unwind  
I'm always lost in thought as I walk a block  
To my favorite neon sign**_

_**Where the waitress looks concerned  
But she never says a word  
Just turns the jukebox on and we hum along  
And I smile back at her**_

_**And my friend comes after work  
When the features start to blur  
She says these bars are filled with things that kill  
By now you probably should have learned **_

_**Did you forget that yellow bird?  
But how could you forget your yellow bird?  
She took a small silver wreath and pinned it onto me  
She said this one will bring you love  
And I don't know if it's true  
But I keep it for good luck**_


	6. Lover I Don't Have To Love

**Title: Lover I Don't Have To Love**

**Song: Lover I Don't Have To Love by Bright Eyes – Lifted, or The Story is in the Soil (album)**

**Warnings: Drinking, drugs, allusions to sex while drunk/high, self-destructive tendencies**

**Pairing/Characters: Castiel/female, Castiel/male, Dean/Castiel, Sam**

**Rating: M (to be safe)**

**Spoilers: Everything through the end of season 5, especially for "The End" episode 5x04. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, CW and Kripke do. I don't own the Song " Lover I Don't Have To Love " it is owned by Bright Eyes and Conor Oberst. **

**A/N: Tried so hard to do something light hearted, but I was shuffling through the tracks I've selected for this series and this one just grabbed me. Also…really sorry I've been gone so long. Life has been weird and season 6 of this show has not inspired my writing like season 5 did.**

**This story takes place sometime after Castiel lost the rest of his grace and before the end of the world. Let's just pretend that those last 3 episodes took a month instead of days and Human!Cas had some time to play. I've got no cities in mind for the setting, but it could be any big city with a seedy club area.**

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* * *

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Castiel made his way to the other side of the crowded bar, never noticing the way Dean restrained himself from following him and stopping him from talking to the woman who had been eyeing the former angel all evening.

The woman was blonde haired and beautiful, her violet eyes had locked onto his suited figure moments after he and the Winchester brothers walked in and Castiel couldn't deny his attraction. He was human now and the world was ending, why not have a little fun. That's what Dean would do right?

"Hi" the woman said as soon as he was close enough to hear her over the noise of the music and laughter in the room. "How are you tonight?"

"As well as can be expected" he answered and when he realized that had come out rather short he tacked on something that he thought Dean might say to a woman. "You've been watching me all night."

"You noticed?" she laughed.

"Yes, you have lovely eyes." He cast about for another compliment, because Dean had told him that women loved them. "I like your shoes" he said awkwardly. She laughed again at that and stood up.

"Come on, there is a lounge upstairs where we can get to know each other better." She pointed toward the stairs. "I'll follow you." He held her hand and pushed across the room to the stairs.

She ordered a bottle of wine and brought it to a table, Cas followed with the wine glasses. She kicked off the shoes that he had complimented and stretched her long legs out in front of her, tight jeans showcasing her long, lean legs. Cas could barely take his eyes off her to open the wine and pour a glass for each of them. He handed her a glass.

"I'm Cas, what's your name?"

"Do you have the time?" She accepted the glass with a smile and side-stepped the question.

"1 O'clock." Cas let her.

* * *

Time passed, wine flowed and eventually the bar tender let them know that the club was closing. The unnamed woman walked down the stairs with Cas and exited the club with the floods of other people. He had completely forgotten about Dean and Sam, but that was okay, because they had already left for their motel. Castiel just followed the woman, the way she had followed him up the stairs.

A block up the street and she was pinning him against the old brick of the warehouse district, her jeans pressing hard against his suit pants, hands all over him and tongue in his mouth. She wasn't interested in hearing when or if he had ever done this before, she just wanted to have him for now and he was willing to let her. She dragged him down the block to her car and shoved him into the backseat, climbing in on top of him and shutting the door.

* * *

It was the end of the world, he didn't want to love anyone. She wasn't looking to fall in love. It worked perfectly. They lay, gasping, the chilled air in the car causing goose bumps to appear on their skin. She shifted and he groaned as she brushed against him.

"That was good, but it could feel even better." She said to him. His eyebrow rose in disbelief.

"How?"

"There's this kid I know, he has some stuff that will blow your mind Cas. You got money?"

"Yeah, some."

"Then I got time to show you what his stuff can do." She pulled herself into the front seat. "He's usually out by the train tracks, he said he'd meet me there tonight…I think." She put the car in gear and drove out of the parking lot, weaving a bit as she was certainly not sober yet.

* * *

They met the kid by the tracks, kid was right…he looked half of Dean's age, but he sold Cas a bag and the woman showed him what to do with it and he fucked her against the metal support of the train tracks that shook as the train ran by above them.

When they climaxed he nearly passed out and when the darkness cleared from his mind she was giggling vacantly and neither of them could remember where her car was parked. The stumbled messily up the stairs to the train stop and got on. Castiel would find the boys in the morning, for now he would keep following her.

* * *

Morning shed light on the bed in her apartment, she still didn't have a name and Cas couldn't bring himself to care. This was easy, this didn't hurt and he finally thought he understood Dean's obsession with leaving before things got complicated. Love wasn't necessary, love just complicated things. It didn't matter if you loved someone, they would still always leave you behind. Love didn't mean anything. This meant something, Castiel wasn't sure what, but the fast, dirty sex with a nameless woman as his cellphone rang with Dean's ringtone in his discarded pants pocket, this meant something.

Eventually he called Dean back and gave him an address to pick him up at. Dean was pissed and made no attempt to hide it, but Castiel wasn't sure why. After all, hadn't Dean done this same thing time and time again over the years? He was distracted from his thoughts by the woman dropping into his lap and taking the phone from him.

"One more for the road, sugar?"

Half an hour later Dean banged on the door for the fourth time.

"Cas! Sammy and I are leaving, if you are coming then get your ass downstairs!" The woman laughed and shoved Castiel to the door.

"It was fun, call me if you're ever back in town." She shoved a folded scrap of paper with her number on it into the pocket of his shirt and opened the door to shove him into the hall. Castiel hurried to catch up with Dean's retreating form, not sure what he had done to upset Dean, but not wanting to be left behind.

* * *

The woman was the first, but not the last time he found himself in the arms of a stranger. There were other cities, more women, and men, more drugs. He was losing his meaning, his sense of self and every time he tried to find it with another woman or man or drug, it just slipped away.

He occasionally heard Dean and Sam arguing about him, but most of it made little sense to him.

"Dammit Sam, this was what I was trying to stop. This is how he was when I saw him before!"

"In the future?"

"Yes, I didn't want that for him, but I can't seem to stop it from happening again."

"I don't know that you can."

"I can't just stop trying, I care about him Sammy."

"Why don't you tell him that."

He heard that through the wall as a nameless man shared his drug of choice with Castiel and fucked him in the motel bed. He left when they were done and Castiel was left to wonder what it would be like to have some meaning again, to love someone again…even if it would only end up hurting.

* * *

He woke up in the bed, covered with a blanket that he didn't remember pulling over himself. He rolled over and the crinkling of paper alerted him to the presence of a sheet of paper on the bed next to him. He picked it up and began to decipher Dean's chicken-scratch.

_Cas,_

_ Sammy and I have gone out for breakfast. Read this and think it over. We'll bring you something from the diner._

_I should have said all of this a long time ago, maybe you wouldn't be so fucked up now if I had._

_I care about you. Not like Sammy, not like Bobby, like…a lover. I'm not good with emotions, but I don't want to lie to you. I love you and it kills me to see what you are doing to yourself. It's worse than watching Sammy drink demon blood, worse than knowing my dad gave his life to hell to save me, worse than hearing that Bobby would never walk again. I would rather die than watch you kill yourself slowly day by day. _

_I know all of this hurts, but it doesn't have to be this way. Life isn't a storybook and sometimes love hurts, but sometimes it heals. Besides, if you're going to be hurt anyway, wouldn't you prefer it was from love?_

Castiel re-read that note at least 10 times before he got up and locked himself in the bathroom. **  
**

* * *

When Dean opened the door to the motel room an hour later he was shoved against a wall by a freshly showered, shaved and, most importantly, sober Castiel who kissed him and then leaned his forehead onto Dean's shoulders, tears dampening the flannel shirt. He was repeating the same phrase over and over and it took a minute for Dean to understand the quiet words. He wrapped his arms around Castiel and held him as he whispered.

"Hurt me, hurt me. Please."**  


* * *

**

**I picked you out  
Of a crowd and talked to you  
Said I liked your shoes  
You said "Thanks, can I follow you?"  
So it's up the stairs  
And out of view, no prying eyes  
I poured some wine  
I asked your name  
You asked the time**

**Now it's two o'clock  
The club is closed, we're up the block  
Your hands on me  
Pressing hard against your jeans  
Your tongue in my mouth  
Trying to keep the words from coming out  
You didn't care to know  
Who else may have been you before**

**I want a lover I don't have to love  
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck  
Yeah, where's the kid with the chemicals?  
I thought he said he'd meet me here but I'm not sure  
I got the money if you got the time  
You said, "It feels good"  
I said, "I'll give it a try"  
**

**Then my mind went dark  
We both forgot where your car was parked  
Let's just take the train  
I'll meet up with the band in the morning**

**Bad actors with bad habits  
Some sad singers  
They just play tragic  
And the phone's ringing  
And the van's leaving  
Let's just keep touching  
Let's just keep keep, keep singing**

**I want a lover I don't have to love  
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk  
Yeah, where's the kid with the chemicals  
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full **

**I need some meaning I can memorize  
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind**

**But you, but you  
You write such pretty words  
But life's no storybook  
Love's an excuse to get hurt  
And to hurt  
Do you like to hurt?  
I do, I do  
Then hurt me**


End file.
